Ummmm....

Christmas was good. I have nothing to say as of now. Just saying hi. I love you guys, seriously I do.

~W.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!

Wasting Time

It's interesting how people "waste time" or "spend time". Most people live their lives waiting for something to happen and never really live. In fact, most people probably don't even know what it is to live life. I have spent the past few days on the couch flippin' back and forth between nothing but crap and bored out of my mind. Why? Am I lazy bumb? Am I just not creative? Are people too busy to hang out? I think that all of these are partially true but mostly it's because my heart is on everything but God. My mind is so distracted and scattered and my intentions are SO screwed up. I havn't read my Bible, and I mean really read it, in like 2 or 3 months and there was only about 2 weeks before then when I actually did. I havn't talked with God like I actually believed that he was listening to me in probably more then 6 months. I miss knowing what it is to love God. I miss walking and talking with him and others easily or at least freely. I've lost that love and freedom and I want it back...desperatly. I need GOD. I don't need anything else. WHAT THE HECK!!!!! AHHHH!

The PERFECT song

I have not been able to find a perfect song to describe one of my friends. The relationship is complicated. Just friendship but...confusing. This song PERFECTLY descibes him. Gosh. It's great. Check out the lyrics. It's called "Beautiful Disaster" by: Kelly Clarkson

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right

Oh when I don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magical myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should seeAnd do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can takeO
h cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

I'm going to try and write...

Lately, writing has been hard for me. My heart hasn't been with me and my mind has been so distracted that profound thoughts havn't come at all. I currently have nothing in particular to say. Alot of great blogs are written when someone has something they are passionate to write about. This one probably won't be one of them. But who knows...
Ummm, I love my friends. Tonight I realized that people are just completly beautiful and I'm so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. Rachael, Joe, Gene and Anne Popino are amazing people. Who would have guessed that that much love, inpsiration and encouragement could flow from one family. I love them all really deeply. Margo, Kati Jo and Makenzie are a stream of honest, tell it like it is wisdom. They demonstrate life in a raw form to me. They are three of the most life filled people that I know. Even when the whole world is crashing down on them God uses them in amazingly powerful ways to work in my heart. So much of the love in my heart is for them. Sean Oliver Fooks is an interesting character and I love him for it. I honestly think that God has given me (over the past 2 years that I've known him) a glimpse into how He sees him, how God sees him I mean. I think that God has opened my eyes and made me see him like God does. Certainly not to the extent that he does, but it's amazing how much I truly care about Sean. I mean, even when he's a jerk and people tell me that I just am not seeing the flaws, It's not that I don't see them it's that my love for him and my trust in who he was meant to be and faith that he'll be that someday overshadows everything else. So much CRAP has gone on this year regarding him and through it all I've come to the basic conclusion that I love him and God does and I'm not leaving or giving up on him no matter how many people do. I dunno...I love the kid hardcore. :) Praise God. I already gave a shout out to Jake, Ryan and Aaron in a previous blog so if you read that you'll know why I think that they are beautiful people. Oooo....another subject....
Beauty. My philosophy on beauty is something that I've been thinking about lately. I believe that beauty shines through the eyes and smile. You don't have to be a girl for me to think that you are beautiful. Beauty is in the way you carry yourself, in the manner in which you talk and express your heart. It's written all over you if you let it shine. That's just it, beauty is something that shines and if you look close enough even in the hardest of people, you see it and it's glorious.
I see true, God-like beauty in so many people. Those who I know and love and also people I just see on the street and it just amazes me.

I love photography. I am SO excited because I'm taking a black and white photography class up at Green River Comm. College during Winter quarter. I truly believe that pictures, especially when they are well taken, speak a thousand words. www.time.com has amazing photo essays on it. I could stare at pictures, specifically black and white ones all day. There is so much beauty in life and to capture it is amazing. Candid photos, pictures on babies and old people, landscape, buildings, etc. It's all incredible to me.
Sometimes it's so easy to lose sight of the gaw-dropping beauty (not just physical beauty, but the kind-of beauty that shines, like I was saying) in life because of the amount of bitterness, anger, pain and suffering that overshadows it.
To really experience life I think that you have to find a balance of not ignoring the pain but also not forgetting the beauty or the art of recognizing it.

Song of the Day

"You and Me" by Lifehouse

This is pretty much my favorite song right now. When I hear it I just warm up. It's such a great song. The words are so good. Somehow the idea that someone can't take their eyes off of you and they don't know why...that you are just that, I dunno, captivating or something makes me all happy inside. I'm praying that God brings that sort-of person into my life, the sort-of person who will see me like that and just love me for ME. Man! This is a great song...I also REALLY love the guy's voice. I've discovered more and more that the vocals in a band pretty much make or break the experience that I have with liking or not liking their sound. In other words, if the person singing SUCKS there is a good chance that even if the music is genious I probably will turn the station as quick as possible. On the flip side though, if the music is too much the same or has crazy provocative lyrics I'll most likely gag a little and flip the station! Ha! Yeah, I love Lifehouse...they rock. :)

"L" is for the way you laugh at me...

It's not "mandatory" to have people in your life who make you happy, it just makes life fun and fills it with laughter. Only Jesus can bring true joy but friends can definatly be vessels to carry some of that joy to you.
I've got four gentlemen in my life who are like that to me. They are all becoming more then just people who make me happy, which is good. The friendships are deepening. People like Ryan, Aaron, Jake and Sean...they make me happy.

Pretty much anything that Ryan says I'll think is funny and laugh at. He has a dry sarcasm that just makes you laugh. Most of the time he isn't trying to be funny, it's just the way he says it that's halarious. :)
Aaron makes me smile because there is alot to him and you wouldn't know it just by looking at him. You gotta spend time around him and when you do, you realize that he's really funny. It seems all behind the scenes with him; his humor, or what makes me laugh about with him is when he gets "mad" about things, he really doesn't get mad, he just gets sarcastic and it's funny. It's all about details in him, small mannerisms. I also really love that whenever I talk with him I get the sense that he cares and wants to talk with me too. It always feels like he's listening and that he honestly cares about you. I love that.
Jacob Caswell. Ha. Yeah. Jake is just flat out halarious to me sometimes. I love that he laughs at everything, even when it's stupid. I do that and so I enjoy being in that kind-of company, it makes me feel comfortable to be myself, no matter how cheezy that may be. :) Jake is most halarious when he's with Sean, because they play off each other. I pretty much roll of the floor with laughter when I'm with both of them at the same time.
Sean and I were talking awhile back about how he was trying to explain his humor to someone and didn't really know how because it's sort-of unusual and most people who don't really know him just get pissed off. Sometimes it's hard to know if he's trying to be funny or if it's just annoying "little-boyisms". He feels like a brother sometimes cause his humor, at least I think so, is in the way he makes fun of you, pokes you, laughs at you, punches you, scares the pee out of you, etc. There's also another facade of his humor that I think is more funny...when he's crazy goofy. When he just yells, does weird impressions, changes his voice, makes "mistakes" on purpose and laughs at himself, trips accidentally and acts like nothing happened, etc... Sometimes he uses humor to cover up insecurity or to lighten an uncomfortable subject but I can usually tell when he's faking it and when he's just being himself. I love it when he's just himself and isn't trying to impress anyone with anything.

I love all these guys so much and sure I'd still be alive without them, I just really enjoy them. When any of them are in the room I know that I won't have a completly aweful time, well, maybe I will, but I probably won't go home without laughing a lot!! :D

I don't know what to say...

I don't have any clue as to what to say right now. I don't really have anything to say. But many great blogs have started with someone not having anything to say. Sometimes that nothing turned into a 2 page long blog about...nothing. ha! Well, lets see...I'll be 18 in 11 days. That's pretty exciting. I love planning parties. This year I'm going to have a Moroccan theamed party (well, the colors will be like that but I'm not really diggin' the Moroccan food...).
So, I have this issue about closer I've discovered. I get this horrible empty sinking feeling inside of me when I either don't get to say good-bye to someone or don't get to say good-bye properlly (sp?). For example: Tonight I went to youth group (I go to a youth group at Seatac Bible Church in Seatac on Wednesday nights)
and at the end I didn't really get a good bye from my good friends. Just sort-of a see ya lata... I hate that. It bothers me so much, and I don't really know why. I suppose I'm just a "closer" person, I've got to hug the person good-bye and make sure I know that this isn't "Hey good-bye see you next week" but it's just "Hey good-bye, I love you, talk with you probably tommorow..." I dunno, I don't like saying good-bye to people even if it's just for a little bit. And if I must, which yes, I must...I wanna know when I'll be talking with them next because...well, I don't know. I think that only one person has ever realized this about me. My good friend Margo. She noticed it earlier this year and it's good to know that someone knows that I'm not just weird and hanging around, I'm waiting for a hug good-bye...I need closer. HA! Yeah, that's my blog. Sort. Sweet. Pretty much not deep. :) Oh well...

Hair Today, Gone tommorow

About 2 weeks ago I got like 10 inches cut off of my hair. AH! I'm really pleased with it though. :)

Quote and Story

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
-Anais Nin

So, I have this friend, we'll call him Bob. I love Bob. Yep, flat out love the kid and Bob's friendship means more to me then alot of other things in my life. I have come to the realization MANY (stressing the MANY emphatically) times that this is not a healthy thing. The very thought of losing Bob makes me sick and depressed. His commradery(sp?), although it may be imperfect and, as many have pointed out to me and I have realized myself, flawed and brings hurts occasionally, it has grown to become something near and dear to me. "I've grown accustomed to his face" (who said that?! I can't remember...). So much of who I am includes Bob that I fear not having him in my life. God has put in me such a heart and love for this person...I believe that love comes from God and is of God...but now I'm controlling the relationship in the flesh, and becoming attached in ways that are hurting me. Letting God be God is something I've never been good at and frankly, it's something that I fear. Bob has a deep place in my heart and I don't know if that'll ever change but I want GOD to have that deep place in my heart and so I suppose it must change. But how? In what way? I NEED GOD! I don't need people telling me what I need and how to get it...I just NEED GOD! AHHH! I love Bob...I want to love God more. "Please Lord, be my everything now, take his place and fill the void in my heart that is only meant to be filled by you. THANK YOU ABBA. PRAISE YOU!!!"

Here's To You

This is not my original writing but someone posted it online and I thought I'd recopy it cause I thought it was really good... :)

To every girl who is looking for true love.
To every girl that is herself no matter what.
To every girl that dresses cute not skanky.
To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.
To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.
To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the whore instead.
To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are.
To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.
To every girl that wont settle for the jerk.
To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.
To every girl that just wants to holds hands.
To every girl that kisses him with meaning.
To every girl who just wishes he cared.
To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.
To every girl who just wants him to call.
To every girl who wastes her day waiting by the phone.
To every girl that just wants to cuddle
To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.
To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.
To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every girl that believes in her dreams.
To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.
To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.
To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.
To every girl that gave her heart only to have it shoved back in her face.

This one is for you.