Being a Romantic Can Kill You (or just hurt)

So, I'm in love with love. I know I'm not the only one, which doesn't bring me much comfort but it's still good to know. I read into things way to much and dramatize them in my mind. Over thinking things is NOT a good thing. I'm being really vague about this, I know, but I'd rather not give the details of my life becaue like I said, I dramatize things. Is that even a word?! ha! I love how I make up words all the time. It's entertaining. If not for the people listening at least just for me. :D
So...back to the seemingly ever present subject.
It's pretty difficult and it's sort-of messing with my mind right now. (above pic: That's what I feel like doing!)
I love...love.

"Lord, may I fall in love with you! May you guard my heart because it's running loose in search of someone to give itself to and I want to give it to you. I want to be able to pour out my heart and soul to YOU!! Please Lord, I really need you and I'm so tired to "running after lovers less wild" than you, Lord Jesus, lover of my soul. Okay, I'm tired of words. I'm tired to vain attempts to talk TO you and I'm weary of the feeling that my prayers are just bouncing off the ceiling. I need permission to be who I am right now and I need to know your here and totally in-love with me. I need to know that you believe I'm beautiful and lovely and worthy and...okay.
I'm sorry for not wanting you as much as I need you and not seeking after you as you pursue me. THANK YOU that you meet me here where I'm at and actually always being here with me, through Jesus Christ, may your love be enough for me. Help me believe Lord, clense my mind Lord from everything that is not of you. Speak louder than the condeming voice telling me that it's wrong for me to love people and that everything I'm doing is NOT okay. I need to hear the voice of truth!!!!
I'm excited about tommorow. I'm excited to meet with you. I'm lost God. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm in need of you. Can we talk tonight?! Is that okay? Am I okay? Where have I been? Where are you? I feel like I need to be more to really have a relationship with you, the Enemy has lied and said that's truth. I've believed him. Break me of that lie!! PLEASE LORD!! SAVE ME FROM ALL OF THESE LIES!!! I need you Lord and I want to really love you. I want to really love people, like you do. Thank you for making me a romantic person, but Lord, it's hurting my heart and I feel like I need permission. Please, may I hear your voice. Draw me to yourself. Draw me to your side. Hmmm...I'm there right now. It's not about what I do; how much I read or write. May I retreat with you this week and may you speak to me. I love you."

Yours TRUELY,

Whitney Elizabeth

Pictures of Me!

Most of these pictures were taken
last year (all the beach ones were) on my favorite beach, White Sand Beach
in Carmel, Ca. I feel so amazingly free and happy there,
so most of the shots I didn't need to pose much, that's just
how I felt!! :D And the other ones are this year in Yosemite Nat. Park, it's SO beautiful there!! :)

Friends

People are beautiful. I love watching them. Not in a perverted way or anything of the sort. But watching their manerisms and the way they act and live life. It's fasinating. If you observe closely enough you see that beauty in them that goes deeper than apperances. You see a glimpse that God given glory and that is a beautiful thing.
I love photography. One of my best friends Margo (see above right) could agree with me, we both could sit and look at pictures for hours. It's fasinating how they can capture life. I love candid pictures, ones where you arn't trying to be what you want to be but just who you are. I love people. I love how unique each person is. It's a glorious thing.

music, camp, etc...

Summer camp this year was amazing. Every night at campfire (at during the day too) Joe (guitar, vocals), Aaron(jimbi--sp?!), Matt (violin) and I (vocals) led the worship. As I stood there singing totally in-awe of the presence of the Lord I realized that THIS is what I was made to do. I can't imagin doing anything else for the rest of my life. Worshiping the Lord in song, making music, ahhh! That thrills me to death. And because it thrills me to death even thinking about it, that somehow confirms in my heart that that is what I'm meant to do. God always seems to have a "great" way of changing your plans, but hey, his will is perfect right?! SOOO....in even if I don't end up making music God's will will be done, and that is honestly all that I really desire to happen.
BUT...OH MY WORD! :D How thrilling is the thought of making music professionally. ha!! YEAH!
I'm going to be a Senior this year and then I'm planning on taking a year off to do YWAM (youth with a mission) which for any of you who don't know, is a short-term mission organization that trains you for 3 months (discipleship training school, a.k.a: DTS) then you do 6-8 weeks (I think) of outreach then 8 weeks (I think) of international missions. This is so exciting to me. Mostly because you can go ANYWHERE in the world for your training and can choose it based on your passions and interests and then can choose, depending on the base you go to, what country you go to for your mission work. I have a passion for traveling and for people so I'm thilled. :D
After YWAM I hope to enroll in a Bible college. I really desire to have that education. That training and fellowship with other believers.
Then my goal, which freaks me out a bit, is to be signed on a christian record label. I sing, but I don't play any instruments and that is greatly intimidating to me right now because I don't know if I have the ability to "make music" but man, all I know is that if I don't a part of me won't really be living out God's will for my life. I love to write and I LOVE to sing so maybe others can just help me with the music part as I slowly learn guitar. ha! I'd really love to be able to someday accompany myself.

For the longest time I NEVER, EVER thought that music would be something I'd get into professionally. I always thought it was just this little gift that God gave me to use for him and only him and never share outside the church. When you really think about that, you can see how that's a total lie, but that's always been my philosophy. It has just never seemed humble to ever enjoy or recognize that I can sing. Even now as I say it I feel extreamly uncomfortable. Why?! I have no clue.
I was talking with Joe (good friend and worship pastor at church) a couple of months ago about it and it's interesting because he used to think the same things but then he realized it was a lie from the PIT OF HELL. I was like, "oh, really. HA! Okay..." It's still sort-of something I'm having to train myself not to believe anymore and camp sure peeled back a layer of mine regarding that. I'm so excited and the more I think about it, the more excited I become. :D

Lord God, I havn't talked with you in a while ("It seems to easy to call you Savior, not close enough to call you God" -Jars of Clay) and I have mixed intentions on talking with you now. Abba, I need you and I can't do anything without you. I've tried, and I've failed. GOD!!! I lay down all of this before you because I don't know what else to do with it. Help me God, drag me up out of this pit I've found myself in and dust me off Lord God. I need to see you and I need to see myself like you see me. Please Lord, thank you for the CROSS OF CHRIST! I stand under that truth now. Guard my heart Lord, you say it's the wellspring of my life. I need to FEEL your love Lord Jesus. I need to FEEL your arms wrapped around me holding me tightly. I desperatly need to know that you are here and nothing anyone will ever say will ever convince me of that more than for YOU to show me. LORD JESUS! I need you!!

Love and adoration from your daughter,
Whitney Elizabeth

T.V.

I have come to the new conclusion that most of the stuff on t.v. is complete crap. That's blunt, but it just flat out is. The worst part is is that it presents lies in a nice, neat, attractive package and woos you to believe it. Sure, it's just "entertainment", but oh my word, most of the time all it does is make you feel worse. I'm being pretty hypocritcal right now...I realize this...I just sat in front of the t.v. for 2 hours straight watching two shows that yes were entertaining but were absolutly NOT worth the time of day. I've gone alot of media fasts before, they've havn't lasted very long. Why? Is it because I just couldn't stand the temptation. Not really. Was it because I was bored. Yeah, but there is more to it than just bordom. I'm afraid of the quiet. I'm lazy and I procrasinate.
OKAY.....AHHHH! My mind and heart right now are NOT in a place where what I'm saying is all cool and calm and from an outside perspective (if that made any sense). I'm going to bid you all reading this a good-bye for the evening and go outside now, because I desperatly need to meet with the Lord in peace.

Hello Again

So, this blog was meant to be a gathering of eloquent and semi-profound thoughts. At least, that has been my hidden intention. Over the past month or so I havn't really had anything "profound", or more, I havn't been able to get my thoughts together in order to type out a blog that someone might want to read and comment on. I still don't have much. But I've been inspired by various people to shout out something even if it's not perfectly thought out and together.
God has been moving. I have felt Him move in my life lately in discreet ways. In ways that I currently don't have the energy to explain and go into detail about. I just want to, right now, declare that GOD IS GOOD and HE HAS A PLAN and HE IS THE SAME GOD TODAY AS HE WAS YESTERDAY AND ALWAYS. That is an amazing truth that has become cliche' now-a-days but it's something that if I actually believed, and let affect my heart, would change SO much of me. I've learned lately though that it's OKAY to not be okay. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm not okay. And that really is a good thing. It's NOT where I'll be forever, praise God, but for right now...it's really an okay thing. (wow, I've said "okay" far too many times) OH WELL. lol

Spiritual Warfare

There is something about spiritual warfare, an aspect of it that most people are blind to. Apparently one of the Enemy's attacks/tactics is to separate us from reality. To make us feel like we are living in a dream. To lie to us to the point that we doubt our very existence. He takes our mind, I don't mean in a medeforical sense, into a sort-of unconcious conciousness much like that of when we are watching a really intense movie. As if we are in a movie and pain and death don't actually exist. He can do this when we are half asleep, while dreaming, while watching a film, listening to music or just flat out when we feel so far from God that we doubt his very existence. I just experienced that. I'm starting to wake up but it was scary. No, I'm not completly out of it....I feel like I'm in a dream and it's freaking me out. "Lord wake me up! Alert my mind to the life and reality around me. I wonder if some people go temporarily insame because of the enemy's work in their lives. Insanity or Spiritual Warfare that plays with your mind and disconnects you from reality.
Hmmm....I pray against this. Lord Jesus, you are in me! You reign, forever more, in my life. And I belive you are the Son of God you lived, died and ROSE AGAIN, conquering death and all fear of it. I LOVE YOU LORD. TAKE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something Beautiful

Hello individual reading this,

I don't know what to say. I just thought I'd let my mind and fingers wander on the keys and write whatever comes to mind.
I love old bookstores. Why? I rarely buy anything. I love stationary and new journals. I love to write letters. I love cafe's that have a warm, inviting atmosphere with a sense of local culture, with good smells and promise of deep conversation and good food. I think that watching movies with a girl sitting on a bridge somewhere in Europe with golden sun on her writing in her journal about the beauty of the earth is what inspires me to write in beautiful journals. It inspires a poet's soul. How couldn't it?! And snapshots of Audrey Hepburn in old bookstores drinking coffee or eating a french pastery looked tres chic in her ballet flats, "audrey" haircut, flowy skirt and striped blouse...I think that is where I grew in my love for all of that. And of course as many of you know I LOVE flowy clothing, skirts and dresses in particular. Dresses and skirts where you feel like you are playing a role in some mysterious classic flic playing opposite Jimmy Stewart. The girl in the corner, the one that catches the gentleman's eye. The one with the "something special" in her that no one can put their finger on. Yeah, it's funny how clothes can make you feel like that. Hmmm...most of us don't dream like that. Most of the time we either disregard it as nieve fantasy or fairytale; "Not living in the 'real world' " What is the real world, may I ask? Maybe as John Mayer put it, "I just found out there's no such thing as the real world just a lie you've got to rise above." What if you were in fact meant to live out the fairy tale you dream up in your head, you know the one you usually squash with a dose of cynicism before in takes root in your soul to deep. Now, I'm not saying that this world is not really here, that pain is not real, that doing the dishes, brushing your teeth, going to school and dealing with famiy drama isn't part of all of it. What I am daring to say is that maybe in the midst of all of it we could still live out this life with God, this garden-style (as in the Garden of Eden) fairy tale. I don't really know how actually. Ha. Now that I've guessed that maybe it's possible, wouldn't it be cool if I just as fast whip out 10 steps on how to attain it. Ha! Boy do I wish. Okay, so I don't really know how. With all the pain and suffering and seemingly boring everyday routine around us, one is left thinking, how in the heck can that be my reality. The truth is is that life with God is a complete mystery but that mystery slowly unfolds when you spend time with him. When you spend time with God, walking and talking with him, you begin to see the beauty in life and that makes the "normal" things seem not so normal. AH! Gosh, the Enemy SO doesn't want us to live this life. AHHHH! I feel it. I feel him everyday stealing my joy. John 10:10 is SOOO true. "The Thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy..." The 2nd half of the verse is just as important though. "...but I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly." ABUNDANTLY. GOSH! God is perfectly everything we could ever want or need. He gives us life abundantly through His son. That is a beautiful thing. "Something Beautiful" by Jars of Clay is currently one of my favorite songs because it states in a not so round-about way my heart's desire not just be "another pretty face" (as Jesse McCartney says) but for God to change this "something normal into something beautiful". I'm not talkin' physical beauty, although God has made us humans beautiful, but I'm talking about that "something special" that spark that catches the attention of people. That spirit (the HOLY SPIRIT) within me that blazes so bright that people can't help but wonder what it is about you that makes you so joyful and full of....LIFE. Check out the poetry
(the JOC Song)....

If you put your arms around me, could it change the way I feel.
I guess I let myself believe that the outside might just bleed it's way in. Maybe stir the sleeping past lying under glass.
Waiting for the kiss that breaks this awful spell.
Pull me out of this lonely cell. Close my eyes and hold my heart.
Cover me and make me something.
Change this something normal into something beautiful.
What I get from my reflection isn't what I thought I'd see.
Give me reason to believe you'd never keep me incomplete.
Will you untie this loss of mine, it easily defines me.
Do you see it on my face.
That all I can think about is how long I've been waiting to feel you move me. Close my eyes and hold my heart.
Cover me and make me something.
Change this something normal into something beautiful... And I'm still fighting for the world to break these chains.
And I still pray when I look in your eyes.
You stare right back down into something beautiful.
Close my eyes and hold my heart. Cover me and make me something. Change this something normal into something beautiful...

Gosh, that really is the cry of my heart.

I love you Lord. I pray that this would be reality to me. That you would change who I am. Mold me to be more like you...beautiful in every way. Lord God, how I love you, how I long for you, how I desire your touch and your embrace and presence like the very air that I breathe. I NEED YOU LORD!!! Forgive me for not wanting you as badly as I need you. For not seeking you as much as you pursue me and for purpously walking through life blindly because it's easier to deny you exist then look you in the face. Reality is painful sometimes. But thank you that you are faithful, for you can't deny yourself, through IT ALL! I'm never alone, I claim that now. Be the Lord of my life. Be who you are in my life. Be the I AM. Be my everything. I need you Lord. I want you Jesus. Hold me tonight Lord. Take me because I don't have the strength to come. I love you Lord. Thank you. Thank you SO much for your Son. Without him, gosh, I don't even want to think about the state I'd be in. The lack of hope I'd feel. HOPE DOES NOT DISAPOINT. Thank you for that truth.I love you Lord and I so want to love you more.

Theme Song

A know alot of people who should probably say that they have a Theme Song. One that says what you just can't seem to to put any better. One that says something about who you are and what you're about. I have one: "Love Song to A Savior" by Jars of Clay. This song honestly puts into words my heart's cry and what I'm about. Here are the lyrics:

In open fields of wild flowers, she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion
"I want to fall in love with You"

"My heart beats for You"

That's it, word-for-word. It says so much of who I am and of the journey that I'm on. It seems like everything I learn about God is just an attempt to fall more in love with him. I feel like so much of life (all of life should be like this, but I'm not there yet) to me is like a romance between me and the Lord. "In open fields of wildflowers..." I've for sometime now loved fields and the ocean, both seem to go on forever and ever, beauty that never ceases. I've always drempt about running through fields of flowers, so this part really connects with me personally. "She breathes the air and flies away..." Gosh, it's funny because this is so true. I love the smell of the wind, or rather what the wind feels like against my skin and so breathing the air and flying away with God speaks so many of the volumes of my desires. "She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses in no simple language...". Holy cow! That's it. I love finding God in a the little things and prayer is never a simple language. So yes, like I said before, this song definately connects with me on a deep level. I won't breakdown every phrase for you and explain why but if any of you know me pretty well you'll know that this song really does speak my soul's cry and my life's pursuit. You'll notice once you get to know me that I connect with music on a really spiritual level (that sounds all mystical a weird, but that's not how I mean it). God really speaks to me through the words of songs!

Puttings Thoughts Together

Putting thoughts into words hasn't been easy for me lately but I've just been inspired by Aaron's blog to spill a little bit more of my soul.
Last year I poured my heart into two people and most of it was hard but good. These two people showed me alot about life, love, hardship, suffering and unceasing prayer. It was the most difficult thing I've ever been through or ever watched. God revealed so much through these two people and I'm not sure who I'd be if God had not brought them into my life. But very slowly and subconciously I became co-dependent. When they were in pain, I was too. When they doubted the Lord, I did too. When they were depressed, I was too. It became unhealthy for a while and I didn't realize it until just a few months ago. This 2 year long relationship with these individuals had peeled back layers of soul, broken me down, made me turn to God with everything in me but also had some negative results. Perhaps "results" isn't the right word because they both are my current best friends and the journey is not over yet for any of us. But stuff started to become unhealthy and it took a week away from all of it for me to begin to realize that. In April I went to Mexico for a week on a missions trip and it was in the weeks following that trip where I began to observe the true state of my soul. I had been encouraging them from the emptiness of my heart, I had been presenting to them a god (notice the small "g". This "god" I had created in my mind didn't even come close to the real God of the universe, and had become an idol in my life) that I didn't even believed existed in my own life. See, I had been telling them how deeply God loved them and cherised them. How life was worth living if only to know how deep the love of God was for them. And how he was a non-condeming God who was full of joy and peace and love and mercy. Yet, you guys I totally didn't realize that was the God of my life too!! I thought the God of my life was more stern, less joyful, less loving, more distant and controlling and domineering. Wow, how wrong I was...hmmm, you know what now that I think of it it has been only over the past week that I have been able to put that into words. I just got back from camp, which I'll talk more about later, and it was AT CAMP last week that I realized that. Yeah, actually when I got back from Mexico God began a work in me that has led me to this point of realization. When I got back I began to observe that these people in my life were doing better than I was, to a certain extent. I had become independant from God and that left my soul parched. As a testimony to God's goodness and all-knowingness (I really don't think that's a word, but you get the point) I can now say that my realtionship with these people is much closer to what it should be. I realized in Mexico that I have a life and God has a plan for it which is completly independant from these people and to put them above God in any way, shape or form was idolatry and futile. Yes, our relationship now is healthy and so good!! These two friends of mine are what I call my best friends and althought life is definatly a battle I'm growing with the Lord now instead of JUST showing them how to. Yes, God is definatly good and even when I don't feel like he's good he definatly has a plan through the brokeness. :)