Someone Searching

Everyone is searching for something. You can see it in their eyes and in the way they carry themselves. In some it's harder to see because the layers surrounding them have been built by years of different experiences. Experiences in our lives build so much of "who we are" and they can make and break us. Notice I didn't say, "make OR break us"...they always break us. See, unlike most of the world now-a-days I don't believe that we can "do anything we put our mind to", I don't think that the philosphy of "if we just give it all we've got" will actually get us everything we want. Or even a little bit of what we want. In fact I think that this screwed up mantality is actually what drives us to search even harder for the things that we think we are missing.
I love Seattle. I love walking around downtown and people watching. It's amazing how it's so evident in every person that they are looking for something. You see the person who looks professional, trying to climb the corporate ladder, and we think wow, they've got it all together. When I see that person I wonder about what they do for fun. What kind-of personal style they have besides suits. What kind-of family they have. Who they really are. I don't think that what appears to be, really is who people are deep down. Everyone has a story behind their eyes.
I LOVE Pike Place Market. Well, first of all I just flat out love open air markets and so since that's what Pike Place is I enjoy it alot. Actually that whole area just gets me excited. The flowers, the italian delicatesen, the funky and cheezy touristy stuff that even people from Seattle buy! Which I have yet to understand. My favorite part of it though is the people. There is the bunch of people, and not to sterotype, but their pretty much hippys. I like hippys. lol I do. They are the sort-of people who I just think would be awesome to hang out with. You know, the laid-back, live life to the fullest, dreadlock wearin', free spirited people. It's so easy to get caught up in appearances that you forget how people became the way they are. I think that misconceptions hinder us from deeply loving each other. There is a story behind how people choose to live.


I want to make a difference, I really do. But I don't want to be someone who just goes out and does alot of great stuff. And I REALLY don't want to be someone who makes some "profound" observations and never does anything about them.
I want to impact people's lives but what I always forget and what most people who want to go out and save the world forget is that I don't have to leave my house to make a difference in the world. I don't have to even drive to Seattle to make a difference (it's only like 30 minutes away). My family is crying out. I see in the eyes of my dad someone who needs respect and honor. Who needs someone to see what he's doing and say something about it. I look at my brother and I see someone who needs to be led. Someone to watch and learn from. He needs an example and he needs love. I see my mom and my heart breaks. I love this woman. She is incredible. And I see a woman who needs to know that she is deeply loved for who she is and not because of what she looks like. She needs to know that her worth is not based in what she does or does not do. She needs to know that people SEE her and think she is so incredibly beautiful. She needs to know that she has nothing to fear in Christ's love.
I live with broken people. I am a broken person. I wonder if anyone sees anything like this in me. If they can see when I'm hurting. I wonder.
I want to live a life that is worthy of the Gospel of Jesus Christ....

Church Shopping

I don't think that church shopping is a good idea, unless, say, you've just moved to a new town and you have no where to settle into.
I have been going to Grace Community Church my whole life. I've never regurally attended another church. I've made deep friendships there and am active in the ministry that goes on there. Up till recently I've been pretty satisfied with that.
Last year I started to go to Youth group at Seatac Bible Church in Federal Way.
At first, I didn't like it. Mostly because it was so different from Grace. I didn't get an "emotional reaction" when I was there. It seemed stuffy and not somewhere where I could "worship". Yeah, my philosphy on "just what is worship" has changed alot since last year. Anyways, so this year I started regurally attending the youth group and have formed some friendships with people and even a budding mentoring relationship...which ROCKS! Patty is awesome! :D
Now, I probably will not just leave Grace with only a few months left before I graduate out of the high school group but I tell ya my view of Seatac has changed and it's definatly NOT because I have friends their now.
The teaching is incredible. The people who speak don't illustrate much or tell many stories from personal experience, etc. like I'm so used to. The worship isn't loud and energetic. The people don't come across as people that I'm normally drawn to.
But they question things and most it seems feel safe to do so. Behind the scenes the women reach out to the other girls and the girls respond to the friendship being offered them. The youth pastor has a confidence that's humble but reassuring and a devotion to the Word of God that's apparent in his teaching...he tells it like it is, like the Bible says it is, even if it's unpopular. The guy who leads worship (one of my best friends) does so even if he doesn't have it all together because he knows that we need music in youth group to "warm us up" to hear what the person has to teach us that night. Their are regular unbelievers who come because they feel comfortable enough to come to a place where they can ask questions.
I like this and I don't feel it at Grace. Maybe it's because Grace has at least a hundred people in their youth group and Seatac has maybe 20 (on a big night). Maybe it's because it's so different and the change of pace is refreshing I don't know. All I know is that when I graduate, IF GOD LEADS ME THERE, I'll go without much of a burden. My love for that place is growing. I'm happy about that. It comes with it's own list of imperfections that are hard to overlook some nights but so does Grace.
I don't like the superficiality at Grace (I'm not saying it's not at Seatac too because it is) or the way it feels like a social opportunity rather then a place to learn and worship God (Seatac isn't really that for me, it used to be but it's changing). ETC.
Right now, I feel like God is using me at Grace and at Seatac and I'm happy just going to Wednesday night youth group, it might now always be that way, who knows. But the Family of God...the Church (capital "C") is everywhere it doesn't matter what your local church is. Those who believe that the blood of Jesus is all that can save them are brothers and sisters in Christ. WOO HOO!
"We are family, I've got all my sisters with me. Yeah, we are family, come of everybody and sing!" -Great Oldies song that I can't remember the name of for the life of me!

Stuff

There is a difference...

Myspace, email, multiple blogs, Christmas presents, clothes, beauty products, T.V., movies, the mall, the internet, CDs.

Trees, snow, mountains, laughter, crying, eating dinner with friends, The Bible, breathing deep, walking outside, swimming in a river, boating.

Some would say that the first list is more stimulating. You have more instant gratification. Everything now-a-days is so fast paced and so rushed. We try and manufacture beauty because the real stuff is too hard to wait around for. We never look at who we really are inside because we are so consumed by looking perfect on the outside. And maybe not perfect, but at least satisfactory to whoever we are trying to please. We "waste time" because we arn't creative enough to rest or just enjoy life. We procrasinate, procrasinate, procrasinate as way to rest and relax because we don't want to work first.

I'm fed up of procrasination. But am I going to do anything about it? No. Probably not. WHY THE HECK NOT?! I don't know. I really don't know. I need God. I need help. I want to LIVE MY LIFE. I'm wasting precious hours and days doing pretty much nothing. It's stupid and I'm fed up. I want to change. I want to be changed. It's a process, I know. LORD, CHANGE ME! I DONOT WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE ANYMORE.









I want to tell you something about this picture. I don't like it. I think that I look overweight. I think that my stomach looks chubby and I'm self-concious about every picture I take. I'm leaving it on here because I love what I'm doing. I'm completly carefree. I remember what I was feeling. I was living out LIFE in this picture. I was on my favorite beach in California totally joyful and loving the air and water and sand. It's beautiful and I'm so sick and tired of being self-concious. Some people never run around barefoot because they don't like their feet or their worried they'll step on something. Some people never wear skirts because they hate their legs. Some people never let their hair down because they are too self-concious of what they'll appear to be. I say that we should all wake-up and start living the free life that God died for and quit worrying about what we might "appear" to be! MAN! I hate that I do this all the time. LORD, CHANGE ME! AH!

God's love, T.V., the World...

I've written previous blogs about T.V. but I'm going to do it again. There is so much evil in the world and T.V. reveals that evil in a dramatized but certainly not minimized form. I'm so disgusted by what is out there right now yet I watch it. I just watched this criminal investigation show I think it was called SVU or something. The episode was about these girls who killed one of their "friends". It was horrible. The saddest part of the whole thing was how true it was, I mean, there might not be a bunch of crazy high school girls with murder on their minds out there but there certainly are alot of very angry, very hurt, young people in the world right now who have no idea what to do with it all except take it out on innocent people. This was a really horrible show to watch before bed! On that note to watch any time. I don't know why I did I suppose I just had to find out what happened so my mind could have some sort-of conclusion, even if it was a bad one. man!
I'm just stunned by the evil in the world. I get glimpses of it from the news, the paper, T.V., movies, etc. It's so easy to walk around with rose colored glasses on and forget about the evil and brokenness. I'm so incredibly thankful for Jesus Christ. I mean, the more and more I realize who I would be without him the more and more grateful I am that I have him. I'm so glad that I don't have to win my way to Heaven and I'm SO glad that there is hope. I doubt this hope so much sometimes. I'm so incredibly thankful that Jesus doesn't give up on me everytime I lose faith in him. I don't even want to imagine what I would be like if I didn't know that I was free from the Devil and from Hell. I'm afraid to tell other people who don't know this because in the back of my mind I'm worried that I'm wrong. That he's not real, that their athiestic beliefs are true. That the Bible isn't all truth. That I've been believing a lie. And then I bring all that to God and we work through it and I talk with other people about this doubt and unbelief and my fears regarding it all and I'm put to ease by truth. I recently did this. And I have to say that my mind isn't fully at ease, I still have questions and doubts and fears, but I believe. I believe but OH LORD help my unbelief. :) I want to share this with people. This hope. This freedom. This LIFE and LOVE. God help me! I can't do it by myself! May they hear YOU speaking not me!
I'm going to the Czech Republic for 2 and 1/2 weeks this July on a missions trip. I'm gonna be teaching English to students over there and then staying in host homes with some of those students I met. I'm SO thrilled about this. Just being able to talk with them about life, love, God, everything that we both know and don't know in the world. I'm also pretty scared because it's hard for me to talk with people I don't know. But when I love people, even if I don't know them, it's eaiser. So I pray that God would give me a LOVE for the people. A deep unexplainable love for them. And I also pray that God would overflow my heart with a love for Him. With a blind faith and a passion to know him more that would conquer my fears about what I "don't know". I need Jesus. I need you LORD!!!!! I need your strength God and your peace and love. I need your compassion and PATIENCE under pressure. Lord I need you to be with me and I need you to remind me of that daily. Father God, FATHER ME! I need you to me my dad. I need you to be my strength because daddy I'm tired and scared and weak. I need your vision for the world and your LOVE for the Czech people. I need you. I want them to see YOU and not me!! Jesus come into my heart and rid me of anything that isn't honorable, true, beautiful, praise-worthy, worthy of the gospel; anything that isn't OF YOU.
I LOVE YOU LORD! Jesus thank you SO much for dying for me! Thank you for clothing me with with your righteousness. Forgive God. Forgive me for all of the times that I have willfully chosen my will over yours because it was easier not to conform to yours. Forgive me for not obeying my parents and not loving them like you want me to. Forgive me for not honoring you with my life, my thoughts or my time. I want to live for you, I want to live a life of worship but you see my heart. You see how divided it is and how far I am from even trying to get back on track with you. Please Jesus, draw me. Give me a desire for you. A desire that fuels my actions. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE FOR ME! AH! THANK YOU ABBA! THANK YOU LORD.

HAPPY 2006!!!