YEAH!

I'm going trick-or-treating right now. I'm pretty excited!!! But, I had to forgo my costume because of how wet the weather is, but oh well. :) I don't support Halloween as a holiday because of the negative stuff that goes on, and what it stands for. But, I do think the whole thanksgiving, fall season is awesome. The whole watching Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin, going trick-or-treating, eating Branches mellowcream pumpkins and dressing up in costumes. It's fun!! So, I'm about to leave for that...with umbrella in hand. WOO HOO! lol

So, you think you know me...

There is so much about me that people don't know about or that they just don't see. I desire more then anything to been seen and loved because (or despite) of it all. It's really hard at home. My mom is amazing, but I grieve over her pain and the lies that she believes about herself. I don't have a relationship with my dad. I feel like a guest in his house and that when I leave I'll be much less of a burden on him. I don't know what he loves about me and he's never told or affirmed that to me. His love feels conditional and evanescent. I get the impression that he cares more that I'm financially secure for the rest of my life, make sure to get the dishes done and never have an opprotunity to learn from my own mistakes (because mistakes are stupid right?!, why make them?!) than to let me know that I'm loved by him!! I hate that but anger and pride seem to blockade the pathway to a better relationship with him. My brother is dying for someone to lead him and show him who he is and can be, but there is no one in his life right now to do that and my dad is not the example of Godliness that he SO needs. I hurt for him and hurt at the thought of who he'll become if no one steps up to the plate to guide him.

Compacency, when in regards to my family, is my middle name. I'm afraid of change but mostly afraid that change won't happen and that I'll just make it awkward by voicing my dissatisfaction and hurt.
I don't talk about it because it seems so small in comparison to everyone else's family hardships. But guys, I'm so sick, tired, angry, and deeply hurt by the lack of affection I've recieved from my dad and at the thought that it'll never change.

"Lord God, I need you to move. I need your strength, courage and confidence to be salt and light in my household and to not add to the already difficult situation by being prideful and arrogant. You know that's what I do. Abba...father me. FATHER ME, GOD!!!! I need to know that love."

Trade My Love

So right now all of my really close friends, the people who have always been the "strong ones" when I've been doing crappy are doing horrible. Either their depressed, suffering, grieving, confused as heck or just not close with the Lord (or all of the above) and I'm really not feeling good either. I LOVE these people, whoever is reading this has gotta know that I'd do just about anything to just brighten these people's lives up...but I can't, and that breaks me down more then I can say. This song by Sandra McCracken is amazing. It puts into words pretty much perfectly what my heart is towards everyone right now...It's called: Trade My Love


As dust on the scales
As grass of the field
So are our days with the serpent on our heels
The reed is bruised
The sky is cracked
You wear your pain as a veil of black

Proverbs of ashes
Smear you with lies
The one who changed your name has touched your side.
Fortune and favor
You have not known
What is the vine, you have not grown?
I will not sing songs when you’re heavy
I will not speak words to make it clear
I will stay with you and all that you carry
I would trade my love, for all your fears.

If I speak or refrain
You may not be changed
For your deliverance your days are arranged
To the roots of the mountains
You sink down
Hurled into the deep, spit onto the ground

Severe mercy is your one great hope
It is well, it will be well with your soul

I will not sing songs
I will not speak words
I will stay with you and all that you carry,
I will trade my love… For all your fears

Laughter is a beautiful thing.

Joy and sadness

You know, life is interesting. What am I saying, of course you know that. What I should say is, humans are interesting. I am really excited about certain things and extremly depressed and sad about alot of other things.
Last night I pretty much cried myself to sleep over really stupid stuff, that really isn't that stupid, I just feel like an idiot about it. I am thrilled about a few things that are happening in life and yet when I see the really deep anguish and depression that people I know are suffering from it just breaks down that joy into nothingness. I don't tell anyone most of the stuff in my life out of fear that they'll try and fix it, when I know perfectly well that THEY CAN'T. I do that. When someone tells me something hard that they are struggling with I feel completly hopeless/helpless because I know that I can't do anything. Ummm....WHY NOT TURN TO GOD! Dah. Geeze!! I don't do that. I mean that is literally the last thing I do. I think that, "Oh, well if I suffer with this burden (thats NOT EVEN MINE!) then maybe..."....but no, that's just it. I KNOW nothing will happen by me holding onto people's burdens, but I do it anyways.
Lately I have felt really horrible because I'm worried that I am bothering people, because I don't have something magical to say that will make them feel any better. I just leave them alone. But anyone who knows me well, will realize that that is NOT ME. I'm not someone who naturally "butts out" of people's lives. I'm someone who normally dives in head first with the encouragement. But lately something (I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing) has been holding me back. This feeling that I really am not wanted or needed and that I would be better somewhere else. Just really awkward. That's the perfect word to describe it. I feel awkward. I tell people I will call them and then I don't because nothing makes me more awkward then not knowing what to say. And the fear that they are someone who cares about stuff like that, that if I can't say something encouraging...then why call?! And then that part of me that SO wants to encourage them beats me up and tells me that I'm being a lazy jerk for not calling and saying...SOMETHING!! *sad sigh*....I don't really know what to do.
I've got alot of crap that I don't talk about it my life and I want to talk about it with someone, but I'm worried that I'll just burden them with it, or worse, they won't have anything to say back to me and then I'll feel even more awkward and horrible because I just spilled my guts to someone who really didn't even care or want to listen.
I want more then anything right now to be there for the people I love the most, who are hurting really bad, but everytime I see them I have this internal battle with myself as to what to do...hug or not hug, talk to or not talk to, call or not call?! AHHHHHHHH!!!! Gosh. I'm really hurting right now, but I don't know what to do with it all. And God...I need him. Real bad.

More...

Okay, so actually, I totally left out one of my favorite CDs of all time...

"Jill Paquette" by Jill Paquette

Why: This CD is so phenomenal. It's pretty much my favorite CD. Jill Paquette has got a poet's soul, and man can this girl sing. It's got a light vibe to it with a sort-of folksy-rock version to it, all really acoustic driven. It's so good!

Top New Favorite Artists

Joss Stone: okay, so this girl's got some serious soul, and her music has got an Aretha Franklin vibe that I'd love to carry into my music someday. It just feels so good to sing and listen to!

Nickelback: These guys really rock. His voice reminds me of gravel a little. Don't ask why, cause I don't really know why. It's just got that real nice rough sound to it and it just rocks!!

Jonatha Brooke: Older singer whose made music for years. I heard about her only cause Bethany Dillon said she likes her (on her myspace profile! :) ) and so I checked her out, and yeah, she really rocks.

And here we go...

So, I've decided to inform anyone who reads my blog of some of my "top" favorite/least favorite things....

Top 5 favorite CDs currently

"Imagination" by Bethany Dillon

Why: This CD is genious. It's a compilation of folk rock music with amazingly deep and creative lyrics that make you think about God differently. I love the entire CD especially tracks 6 and 11 which brought me to a different place in my walk with God then I was before.

"Taking a Chance on Love" by Jane Monheit

Why: This is great jazz music by a really talented woman. The CD is a compilation of old songs that she is covering; Alot composed by Cole Porter. This is very good, she has an amazing voice that sounds like it's right out of the 1930's. I love good jazz vocals, this is a great CD.

"Gypsy Flat Road" by Sandra McCracken

Why: Sandra McCracken is the wife of Derek Webb, one of the members of Caedmon's Call...who's also amazing!! Sandra's voice is so soothing and this whole CD is just really awesome "feel-good" music and then once you being to listen to the words of the songs...yeah, it's really profound. I definatly reccomend this CD to anyone who enjoys folk-rock with really honest and deep lyrics.

"Eleventh Hour" by Jars of Clay

Why: I LOVE Jars of Clay, pretty much all of their stuff is genious. Someone once told me that they write all their songs together as a group, which is evident by the way the music seems to match perfectly with the theme of the song. They are musicians and that is apparent and poets and that is just as apparent. This is a really good CD but so are all of their other ones. I highly reccomend becoming a Jars of Clay fan! It'll rock your world. :)

"Greatest Hymns" by Selah

Why: Okay, so for anyone who can't stand the stiff, old and dusty hymns, this CD may begin to soften your heart. It's an amazing CD. They have taken all the words to some of the greatest hymns ever written and put it to new music. The richness and beauty of the old songs are given a new twist. The three people in the band have the most amazing and strong voices, they all sound like gospel singers, and their voices blend perfectly. Some of the songs will probably make you cry, they did so for me. A brother, sister and friend comprise this group and the brother and sis were missionary kids. They grew up in Africa and so that influence is in their music...it's SO beautiful!

Top 5 Reasons why I love being homeschooled

1. I can wake up at 10:00 everyday if I want to

2. I have the freedom to do my work pretty much anytime during the day or night I want to and carry it over if I just need to get some rest.

3. I get to experience life for what it really is and not be confound to a classroom for 6+ hours a day.

4. I get to adjust my curriculum to suit my personality and learning ability. And I don't move onto something new unless I understand what I'm currently doing.

5. I can travel with my school work. I can go to California on a Wednesday and not have to worry about missing school (all except French, which I take at a public high school).

Top 10 reasons why I love God.....TO BE CONTINUED>>> I HAVE TO GO NOW........

"Tops"

So, I was recently (like 30 seconds ago) inspired by my good friend Aaron's blog to write a blog about "Tops". No...not blouses. But like Top 5 favorites, etc.... soooo...that's what I thought I'd do. Currently I have 10 minutes before my mom comes home to do school work with me though, so this will have to be a later project. Hopefully later today. So for right now, I'll have to leave all of you early morning (not really, it's like 10:20 AM) readers in suspense......
(oooo, and I don't even add puncuation, muahahaha)

L-O-V-E

I'm learning that waiting on God is a really good thing to do. That's an understatement... God knows us so well, better then we know ourselves and waiting (I'm now referring to relationships...) for God to bring that man or woman into our lives whose gonna love us like Jesus, that's so incredibly difficult and so incredibly worth it!!! I love the following quote by Angela Thomas, it sort-of pharaphrases or "adds onto" in a Biblical way to the 1 Cor. 13 passage on
L-O-V-E....


" 'Do you really love me?' means, Will you accept me in process? Will you embrace what is different about me and applaud my efforts to become? Can I just be human---strong and vibrant some days, weak and frail on others? Can I have a relationship with you without pretending? Can I be honest and expect honesty? Is it okay if my hair looks gross, my morning breath is not minty-fresh and my jeans are stretched around a few extra pounds? Will you love me even if I disappoint you? Will you love me through dark places? Will you love me even when I doubt your love?"

-Angela Thomas

The Power of Prayer

Okay, it may be too soon to tell, but I think that God has healed me. Mono is one of those illnesses that can keep you down for literally months and months. It doesn't go away very fast. I've been down with it pretty bad for the past 2 weeks. A few days ago my throat was so bad that I could barely swallow and I was poppin' Ibufrofen like it was candy! :)
Yesterday I woke up, no sore throat, and man did I have energy! On top of the whole not being able to swallow thing I also really havn't been able to do anything just lay around because I've been so weak and feverish. You guys, I feel great right now. I mean, yesterday was awesome! And today, my legs are a little weak but thats probably just cause I havn't exercised in about a month because I've been so tired (incubating mono).
This is truly amazing. I think that God's worked a miracle. My throat isn't all white a puffy in the back anymore. There is very little white back there. Last weak the back of throat was really swollen and all splochy and red, it was gross and hurt so bad!!

I might not be completly better yet, I mean, God may have healed my throat, which in itself is an amazing blessing!! But you know what, I'm just so thankful!

God is good. And so confusing. I'm glad I'm not God, and that I'm his kid. :) Today was a really great day. I had so much energy and my throat didn't hurt at all, which is really great cause I've been in so much pain this week. I just love life today. Thought I'd share that. Isn't the sky beautiful. That picture is the Indian skyl; a friend of mine took in when he was in India....I think it's beautiful.

And so it continues...

Ah yes, I am still deathly ill. Now it feels like I've swallowed knives...the mono has settled into my throat. FUNTIMES! WOO! not.
Well, I will hopefully write more soon...

~W.