So, you think you know me...

There is so much about me that people don't know about or that they just don't see. I desire more then anything to been seen and loved because (or despite) of it all. It's really hard at home. My mom is amazing, but I grieve over her pain and the lies that she believes about herself. I don't have a relationship with my dad. I feel like a guest in his house and that when I leave I'll be much less of a burden on him. I don't know what he loves about me and he's never told or affirmed that to me. His love feels conditional and evanescent. I get the impression that he cares more that I'm financially secure for the rest of my life, make sure to get the dishes done and never have an opprotunity to learn from my own mistakes (because mistakes are stupid right?!, why make them?!) than to let me know that I'm loved by him!! I hate that but anger and pride seem to blockade the pathway to a better relationship with him. My brother is dying for someone to lead him and show him who he is and can be, but there is no one in his life right now to do that and my dad is not the example of Godliness that he SO needs. I hurt for him and hurt at the thought of who he'll become if no one steps up to the plate to guide him.

Compacency, when in regards to my family, is my middle name. I'm afraid of change but mostly afraid that change won't happen and that I'll just make it awkward by voicing my dissatisfaction and hurt.
I don't talk about it because it seems so small in comparison to everyone else's family hardships. But guys, I'm so sick, tired, angry, and deeply hurt by the lack of affection I've recieved from my dad and at the thought that it'll never change.

"Lord God, I need you to move. I need your strength, courage and confidence to be salt and light in my household and to not add to the already difficult situation by being prideful and arrogant. You know that's what I do. Abba...father me. FATHER ME, GOD!!!! I need to know that love."