Emotion. Truth. There is a fine line between the two. Or so I thought. Maybe the line is thicker than I believed it to be. The the Word of God. The human mind. Which is greater? The Word of God is greater than human emotion. If it wasn't, our faith would be in vain. The Bible. Made my humans, inspired by God. This seems so incredible. "Incredible" in a "Blow-your-mind, can-it-really-be-true" sense.
I would without a doubt consider myself an emotional person. I'm having a hard time separating secular thought, human emotion and the sovereignty of God. I'm glad that I'm being faced with this because if I wasn't I wouldn't be growing, and that's far more terrifying than doubt. The verse in the Bible that has always confused but at the same time rang true to me is, and this is a rough translation but: I believe, but help my unbelief. That's just it. That hits it on the head.
There have been very few times where I've sat back and thought, "hmm, I wonder if there's a God". But this whole Jesus complex is where I start stuttering and getting that sharp pain in my heart. Not the pain of unbelief, but of doubt. And again, just like the man who asked Jesus to help his unbelief although he believed, I too, have not lost faith in Jesus, nor in what he's said. I keep my faith but pursue a knowledge of it.
The Divini Code and all the hoopla about it trips me up. Not because I think "Oh no, maybe they are right" but rather "Oh gosh, what am I going to say if someone believes this. What do I believe and why do I not believe them" And that is a scary question to me. One that makes me sick sometimes. The reason for my upset? Well, partly because I have this desire to never make waves or cause confrontation. And also a searching heart that isn't content to let people body-slam what I believe without saying something in regards to it.

Expectations meant to be broken?

I fear what certain people think about me. I have this "third-wheel-7th-grade-all-over-again" feeling that I'm too much and not enough at the same time. Like there is a party that I havn't been invited to because I'm not cool enough, REAL enough, pesimistic enough, rebellious enough, laid back enough, smart enough, etc. I have this sneaking suspicion that sort-of creeps up like prickles on the back of my neck that some people see me as sheltered, nieve, closed-minded.
What do I fear most? That they are right.

Held

You know how when people are in car accidents or some other sort of incident where trauma is involved the MDs wrap the people in a blanket afterwards so they don't go into shock...I have a theory...and run with me on this one. I'm sure there are many reasons for it, you know, to keep their body temperature in check, etc. But, I have this theory that maybe another reason it keeps them from going into shock is the feeling that they are protected. Think about it...something surrounding them but a non-threatening object. You know when little kids get scared they sometimes curl up into a little ball or pull there knees up close to them. How a hug from someone you trust can make you feel so protected and safe. I don't know, I suppose it's not really a very well thought-out theory but I just think it's amazing how much power being held has. Rocking babies born from drug-addict moms, simply being near and spending time with orphaned kids who have never known what it is to have parents who love them, etc. It's amazing.

Ilusions

Everyone views themselves a certain way and wants to be something in particular, usually not something they already are. Because who hopes for what they already have...I'm starting a black and white photography class tommorow up at the college. I'm really excited to see what sort-of projects they assign! I was dreaming and wondering today about possible projects that would be interesting. I thought that a self-portrait would be, considering you're taking the picture yourself. Or even better, take a picture that captures how you view yourself and then another one in what you wish you were or hope to see someday in yourself. I think it would be fasinating to see what people took. I was thinking about what I would take. The more I dreamt about it, a word kept coming into my mind. That word was "captivating". That's what I wish to be. I think the picture that would capture who I am now would be a picture of a little girl staring into a shop window at Christmas time, Or a little girl twirling around. I think that I approach much of time with wide-eyed wonder. There's a certain nievite (sp?) and awe that I bring to life's situations.
What is captivating? It's certainly not perfection. It has nothing to do with a beautiful dress and a field of flowers. But what is it exactly? I can't put my finger on the words. But I know that it's what I desire to be...