Finally, a new blog...

So, I have mono. I'm dreadfully sick and feel horrible. I havn't been writing much online due to the fact that I can barely get out of bed! :) So, I'll hopefully write more later. Just thought I'd drop a line to explain. ha!

Piggy Back Rides

One of my absolute best
friends, Margo Maxine (see above) and I have been keeping each other accountable for some various things in our lives over the past few months
or so. It's been really amazing! And in one of the most powerful and memorable conversations we had, a really great analogy came forth. I for some time have been struggling with carrying the emotional burdens of friends. God has placed in me a really deep love for my friends and I really despise superficiality (what a hypocrite I am, I succome to that SOO much, but still I HATE it!!!), and I try and never let my closest friendships be anything other than deep. So, anyways, that's a really great thing except when you allow that to determain what you're all about and what you feel on a day-to-day basis. And that is a major problem that I have. I try to be God in people's lives and try really hard to make everything that isn't okay with them okay. And if I don't actually do anything I think about it so hard that I get depressed and really discouraged. Not good. That's not loving them, that's just plain unhealthy. So, ANYWAYS, the analogy. We decided that it wasn't good to give people piggy back rides (carry them and their burdens) because you'll get really tired really fast and most importantly...they'll never learn how to walk. GOD HAS TO BE THE ONE TO TEACH THEM THROUGH IT ALL!!
AHHHH! So, that's what I'm really battling with right now. I'm giving some really big piggy back rides and the only one who's getting hurt is me and nothing is happening with them. In fact, they probably don't even feel more loved, probably just clostrophobic. GRRRR....
Okay. So, the point of all of this is to lay this burden at the foot of the cross, along with my other big pile of luggage and continue to walk with the Lord.
*Sigh*

Hurt

What do you do when your heart is breaking?
My heart right now is breaking for one of my closest friends. I can't do anything about it except pray for her. Unbelief that God will answer clouds my ability to pray constantly and yet it hurts SOOO much to see this friend dying inside out of anguish. Oh man.

I don't really know what to
say, so I thought I'd write
what someone else has
said that has had an impact
on me lately...

"If there is a question attached to
the soul of a woman, maybe it's
'Do you think I'm beautiful?'
When God answers from the depth of
His great love, it makes some of us feel like the wallflower who is asked to dance, but we can become distracted from His invitation because of 'the other lovers', whispers of unbelief, noise and clutter, and because we are sometimes the prodigal and sometimes the elder brother. To return to the music and strong embrace of God requires a desperate and pursuing heart. When a woman chooses to remain in His arms of devotion, God gives the only hope we have, His perfect love, and a beautiful crown. God is enthralled by the beauty of a woman and calls her His beloved. He wildly pursues er heart with romance and intimacy to make her His beautiful bride."

-Angela Thomas
"Do You Think I'm Beautiful?"

Love Song for No One (John Mayer)

(The " " added by me. "alone"= I'm never alone, God said so, but this song still resonates with me!)

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being "alone"
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being "alone"
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being "alone"
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being "alone"
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being "alone"
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being "alone"
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

People's Opinions

Lord God, I care way to much about what other people think of me. In fact, what people say often determains my mood and how I feel about myself. I hate it when people tell me, "Oh that's normal" Yeah, it's normal...but it's not of you. Abba, I need to hear your voice saying that I'm beautiful and that NOTHING could ever change that truth. Lord God, I'm confused and lost and not in a very good mood right now. So therefore, I lay myself down at the foot of the cross and ask that you'de fill me with yourself, fill me with your peace and comfort and LOVE. I love you Lord! Help me to see myself as you see me and to filter what people say so I can hear your words of truth through it all.

Sweet Chariot

Anyone who knows me pretty well will know that I have a passion for music. And more specifically, I have a passion for the words of songs. I think that there is some serious poetry in music now-a-days (and long ago for that matter) and it can be found if one looks. So, I'm a fan of Charlotte Martin. I don't have any of her stuff but I love it a ton. I heard one of the most beautiful songs, by her, tonight. It's called "Sweet Chariot". Interpreting music is sometimes easy when the meaning is just plain obvious. There are some beautiful songs where the message in the song is obvious: "I love the Lord", "My boyfriend sucks", "I hate life", etc. But some, like this one, the perspective is subjective and it can be interpreted more than one way. I LOVE those types of songs. :)
It was only after about the 3rd time listening to this song tonight and reading the words that I really saw how this song could be interpreted differently than Charlotte probably intended. The lyrics are below. Read them and see what you think, then I'll tell you what I think. The song is REALLY worth listening to if you have the chance, it has a beautiful piano accompaniment and BEAUTIFUL vocal line. :D Anywoo, here are the words: (the red is my interpretation)

Ode to joy, my lover boy's speaking in tongues
And the sky's bleeding gray
Now I pull my bag o' prayers out
I hope to find one to save the day
("lover boy" is speaking of the false lovers we run after. When we arn't satisfied with that anymore we pull out of our bag of prayers one that we hope will save the day.)

And he judged my love, my lust
My taste with the straightest face
As I crumple up inside
A papier-mache, a shell with no name
(We are left broken and feeling like nothing because these false gods, the Enemy in disguise has left us feeling like a papier-mache, a shell with no name.)

Sweet chariot
Come, come, take me away from my fear
Sweet chariot
Come, I have to get out of here
(In other words: O God! Come, come take me away from my fear, sweet chariot I have to get out of here!)

And he took me further than I wanted to go
Underneath his shoe
And it leaves me hungry for a touch I can't feel
A touch he won't do
(In other words: I did more than I should have, and all I feel now is hungry for something I can't feel, the false god, the Enemy, has left me all alone with nothing.)

And I thought the circle, it had an end
I'm old enough to know
My denial is how we began and how we will end
And now that I know
(In other words: I thought I could get out of this but now I see my nievite and my denial is how it all began and now how it's ending, but now that I know...)

Sweet chariot
Come, come, take me away from my fear
Sweet chariot
Come, I have to get out of here

Oh, the blood that's in my veins
So cold and frozen from the stings
Oh, he comes and goes in waves
Am I really here?
(In other words: I've grown cold from all the stings and temptation still attacks me at times. "Am I really here?" Is this reality. Where am I?!)

Sweet chariot
Come, come, take me away from my fear
Sweet chariot
Can we leave him a trail of my tears?
(In other words: save me, be my hero and show em' I'm not his anymore!)
Sweet chariot
It's been, it's been the longest of years
Sweet chariot
Come, I have to get out of here
(In other words: It's been a long year, oh take me away...)

Now, that may not have been what Charlotte Martin meant to say through the song, but it certainly could be interpreted that way and man, it certainly has a strong and powerful message behind it when you see it like that! :)

Today

Song of the Day:
"My Love Hasn't Grown Cold" (By: Bethany Dillon)

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head I am here

Lo and behold

My love hasn't grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

Quote of the Day: from "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?"
(By: Angela Thomas)

"We all pretend for a while or for a lifetime. But pretending is not living. It's a subcategory of living. It's like wearing a designer snow parka and sitting in the lodge but never really skiing down the mountain. When we pretend, we are alive and present, maybe sipping hot chocolate by the fire, but missing the bredth and depth that God intended for our lives. We miss the quiet ride up in the ski life, the beauty of the vista, the thrill of fresh powder, the wind in our hair, and that YEAH, I JUST CONQUERED A MOUNTAIN! rush at the bottom of the run. In pretending, there is safety, a middle-of-the-road, stick-with-the-flavor-you-know kind of living. But I believe that God meant for life to take our breath away, sometimes because of the sheer joy of it all and sometimes because of the severe pain. To choose living over pretending means that we will know both."

School, fresh start, descisions

(notice the guy in the background! HA!!)

So, today I'm starting back to school. It's my last year! WOO HOO! I'm really excited actually, don't quote me on that later this year though. :)
I'm homeschooled as some of you might know, and I'll be a Senior this year. I'm excited about my curriculum this year, I LOVE english and the curriculum is really great that I use. It's really fun and I learn a TON! I'll be reading some classics this year: The Scarlett Letter, Jane Eyre and Oliver Twist. As well as: "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" by Angela Thomas, which is my HEALTH curriculum, if you can believe that! :) We're focusing on spiritual, emotional and mental health, as you might have guessed. :) I'm tuotored (sp?) in math and preparing for the SATs right now. If I was planning on jumping right into a 4 year university next fall then I should have already taken the SATs but I'm not. I wrote this in a previous blog, but I'm going to be taking a year off and hopefully doing a program called YWAM and doing some traveling. I'm THRILLED about all of that. This year is going to be a great year. I'm really excited about it.