Czech was an amazing time. I met people who are now friends. When I am emersed into an entirely different culture I'm forced to open my eyes. It's easy to not do that in your own neighborhood. Maybe that's because it's comfortable and familliar. Czech wasn't comfortable. I had a great time, but it wasn't comfortable. I didn't sit around alot and wonder what I was gonna do that day. There was no time to procrasinate. You just lived.
The more I am "in the world" (outside of my neighborhood) the more I realize that's where I am supposed to be. Or rather, where everyone is supposed to be. Some people are there and don't get it and some do get it. I love those people. I've met those people. I want to be like them. I don't want to live on the same street for the rest of my life. I want an ever-changing address.
A HUGE part of me wants security. Being away from home for almost a month made me love home even more. There is nothing wrong with living in the suburbs with your family. In fact, I really hate people who get down on others for their "unadventursome ways" because they arn't full time missionaries in the city.
It's about the state of your heart. It's small minded to think that you have to leave the country to reach the lost.
So here I am, it's a constant battle in my mind. To take risks or not to take risks. See, I'm afraid of dying. I don't want to be. I shouldn't be. I am. But everyone lacks faith at one point or another during their day. When I lose sight of Jesus, I fear death. When I'm confident in who he is, I'm not. Simple as that.
Why am I saying all this? Well, this is MY blog after all, I can say whatever I want and however I want to. Writer's poragative, right?! :)

I just watched the Manchurian Candidate. I'm now a big fan of Johnathan Demme, the director. That was an incredibly well made film. So many twists and turns. It was a thriller that's for sure. This idea of being some form of a foreign correspondant really gets my juices flowing. Again, that fear slips in when I think about where they go and how much boldness is required to do what they do. I want to be a woman of courage and strength but more importantly I want to be a woman who is confident in the one who gives her courage and strength. I want to know that I'm doing God's will.
I don't know if that is where God is calling me. To be a documentary journalist who finds and tells the stories that no one is hearing. To be someone who captures life at it's worst and isn't afraid to tell people about it. There is a sort-of glory in that. I beauty and strength that I'm attracted to. But the core of who I am knows that there isn't one person in the world, not my neighbor or African child who met Margo today that isn't controlled by God. There isn't one living thing that isn't fallen and in need of Jesus. No one is out numbered. It's nieve to settle with the idea that God isn't good. It's too easy...it's trendy...it's a cop-out. God is good even when innocent people die. God is good even though the government is corrupt. God is good even though the majority believes otherwise. This is what I believe to be true. And it's not enough for me to cling to that and let other people think what they want to. If I truley believe it's the truth then I will want to share it and let others know about it. Fear comes when I don't have faith in who God is. I fear telling people this. I'm afraid of what they might think, almost as much as I'm afraid of death.
Czech opened my eyes to my own fear. It exposed what it was...just lack of faith. The only way to face fear, is head on. You've gotta DO what you fear, and when you live through it you realized that it was stupid to be afriad in the first place because God actually IS good, he actually IS sovereign.

So, now my thoughts are all rambled out into this blog. This is everything that's been dipping in and out of my mind for the past little while. :)