Brokenness
Faking brokenness is completly stupid, but I do it. I so long to be a broken individual that I actually fake being broken when really I havn't even come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. Actually, that's not true, I know something's wrong, I just don't know what.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I love my friends more then God. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I place my hope and trust and joy in others. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I havn't spent time with the Lord, really spent time with him, consistenly, in a few months. I judge people based on outward appearances, not just physical selfs but what they "appear" to be. Man, if anyone knew the things that go through my mind, I don't know how many people could stand to be around me. I fight it, don't get me wrong, but I still really struggle with the temptation to condemn people. I fake brokenness by being eloquent with what I say. I fake a good relationship with the Lord if only because I SO desire to have one.
I am the daughter of the God Most High. I am set apart as holy. I am clothed in Christ's righteousness. When God sees me, he sees something beautiful, perfectly beautiful. I am His love. His passion. He thinks about me all day long. GOSH DANGIT! WHY IN THE WORLD CAN'T I JUST BE OKAY. Why can't I just get a flippin' clue and live life. Why can't I just feel God's touch. Why can't I just see his face. Why can't I have a passion for his Word and never take it forgranted. FREAKING, AHHHH! Okay, woo, *breathing now*..... Lord Jesus, lover of my soul and redeemer of my tumultuous heart I surrender my entire being, as much as I can, to you right now. All that I have has always been in your hands and forgive me for trying to take it back, stupidly! You can and will handle everything in your timing. Break me God. Break me down. Show me the way to everlasting peace and joy. Forgive me for the idols in my life: friends, love, love for friends, false/comfortable images of you.... I lay them down at the foot of the cross, because that is where they belong, out of my hands into your arms. To you I give this ever pressing desire to appear to have it all together, when I so evidently don't. I want to fall in love with you and I know you have to peel back some of the scales that have slowly, but surly, developed on my heart, please continue to do that Father God. Abba, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to lose all my closest friendships, please meet them where they are at and comfort them and build them up. Encourage them Father. Oh God I have poured out too much of my heart and life into these people, I now give you full reign of my heart. May I do your will Abba father, that is my only desire.
posted by Whitney at 10:35 PM
1 Comments:
You know the difference between Christians and the world. Christians see their sins, and how God's glory is at stake, how much Christ must hurt when we sin. The world just shrug it off their concience bering witness accusing or else excussing.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If we say we have no sin (the truth is not in us), we find a law in our members that when we would do good evil is present. We have a flesh, and it will always war against the flesh. We will always be an imperfect being until we are taken up to be with Christ.
The conviction that you feel about your sins, is not to make you depressed, and feel as though there is no hope for you, it is to remind us that we are not perfect and that we still sin, so that we will fly to Christ for comfort and forgivness.
Remember the Christian life is not based on emotions alone. They can validate, but they can also lead us astray. Paul says in Rom 7:25 that with his mind he serves the Lord, he shows us that it is more than a feeling, it is in action. Romans 12:2 Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
I really like in Provers it says the begingin of wisdom is the fear of the Lord, and that if you want to learn this fear, then we should read God's word.
From what I see you are humble, you see that it is only by Christ you are righteous, and that it is not by the deeds that you have done nor can do.
I struggle with the very same thing, and it often leads me to depression. The reason is, because I give my sin over to the Lord, then I continue to churn it over in my mind. Trying to find some emotion, that will prove how bad I am, then another emotion of sweet reliefe a peace that I don't understand, but can feel. The problem is it doesn't always work like that.
I will keep you in my prayers, because I know exactly how you feel and the frustration you feel. I truly struggle with this.
4:04 PM
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